Look no means no. I have food allergies. My family particularly my mother knows this. And the woman is annoying and worse. (She is and she has earned my ire. She will not change and she refuses to admit she’s abusive. So I am going to have a shorter fuse with her. It is not unexpected nor is it unfair.) I’m allergic to every grain known unto man. Period. I can’t be breathe in or consume things from the nightshade plants (potatoes, tomatoes, tobacco). That basically translates into I can’t eat Italian food. EVER. And Mom makes reservations at an Italian place. Thanks. Go without me. Besides, I cook better than most if not all restaurants anyway. I am currently eating gumbo I made. (sans tomato sauce…I used bell peppers instead.)

Now I have been trying to make a bootable clone of my hard drive. It has been a colossal waste of time. It has not worked. It is waking me up when I have been dreaming of the sexiest man ever. That should give you an idea of how aggravated I have been. (I suspect he is aggravated to boot. I pick up on these things and it does influence my mood.)

I did not get any caffeine in me. I am at my third ½ glass of wine. I don’t drink that much. So my irritation should be obvious at this point. I loaded my gumbo with more red pepper. (Let me assure you the it’s too oily, it’s too spicy, we can’t handle it…well then YOU do the fucking cooking, why don’t you. Don’t complain to ME about it…just gets to me.) I have HAD it. Having an electronic device give me the finger over the course of months just angers me.

I’m being uncooperative when I act like YOU do all the time? Really? It’s acceptable for you but not for ME? Who came up with these rules? All because being shouted at with YO! annoys me…and I actually said so for once. But I'm being uncivil and therefore unfit for company. So when I decide I'm not fit for company you try to get me to go anyway after you choose the one sort of restaurant I CAN'T EAT IN EVERN! Passive aggressive much?!! (Yes, I'm actually angry about this. Because obviously it is ALL MY fault as normal.) I don’t have hard of hearing problems like you do. I could hear you just fine. I just despise being babbled at and the skin infection annoys me more. Can’t you just be quiet and leave me alone, please? No, you need constant attention. (And I wonder where my sister gets it from?) I put holes in my tongue on a regular basis. If what went through my head came out of my mouth I would be abused even more. I just learned to keep that shit to myself.

I’m supposed to be well behaved, but you can be a colossal bitch? How is that ok? I typically don’t sound off on this crap but after having an electronic device flip me the bird, hell yes I’m pissed.

Grr….

hopefully the hard drive will clone, I will be able to put the shitter in my computer and be done with this and get down to work again. But really.....you are a passive aggressive sociopathic (at best) evil, selfish, dishonest bitch. I know you don't understand how you managed to get an honorable (for the most part), honest, child. Anyway, go screw your selfish self.

Yes, I am totally annoyed however it is not without cause. I am now on 1.5-2 glasses of wine. I need to take my MSM. I still want to slap the woman upside the head. How did I end up being her daughter?
So my sister called. She asked if I had done certain things. (Hello, not an idiot...) Yes. I had. She then suggested that I do apply for X, do Y, you should Z. You know what? Fuck off. Are you trying to get your parents back to functional? No. You are curled up on Rochester. I am the one with the situation so STFU. This is not a happy situation.

There were 5 surgeries this summer, asshole. Were you here for them? No. Did you take care of them? No. Have you been step and fetch it for them for three years? No. Did you give up everything in your life for them? No. So please go step off. I am not as selfish as you. G-d forbid I die, YOU will get to deal with this shit.

Do I WANT do to this? No. Am I? Yes, because that's what a responsible considerate person does...which you are not. Am I happy about it? No. Did you have to watch YOUR father have to have back surgery and then recover? No. Are you watching your father be weened off opiates that he has been on for 10 years? No. Do you deal with cranky bitchy adults? No. So please just leave me the fuck alone.

Anytime I start getting geared up for this, YOU either make your "suggestions" or someone has surgery or I have doctors appointments or dinner or some meal I have to make. I don't get time away from this prison. I really hope you get to deal with this on a full time basis and see how YOU like it. It sucks. Now FUCK YOU and leave me alone. (As you may have guessed, I and displeased.)

If you are not in the situation, you have no clue. And you really don't know because until I have dragged you face first through the situation, you really really can't understand or empathize as you are incapable of it, you sociopath. I am so glad I am not you. I don't want to have to give you an object lesson again. If you force the issue, I will. You won't enjoy the experience again, either.

My sister is like the sun rising in the east and setting in the west: she is predictable and won't ever change. I get that. She truly enjoys the pain she causes. She loved terrorizing me as a child and still smiles the most beatific smile when she thinks about it. It is completely disturbing. So when I say, I don't trust her and I know she loves hurting me, I mean it. She will lie about it and deny it...but she does. She, our mother and our grandmother are how I can recognize sociopaths and psychopaths on sight.

You grow up in a household with sociopaths, you learn to recognize it staring you right in the face. Abuse is only the start. I am nearly incapable of feeling fear. That fallout is a direct result of my sister and mother and the shits in my neighborhood. However, I really don't like being around people because for the first 14 years of my life I was around so many vicious people that my general viewpoint of people is that they are vicious and nasty. Even my father's older sister is a mean piece of work. Sadly this suggests my paternal grandmother was not a great person either. (I saw my paternal great grandmother - her mother - and she was just as bad.) I am VERY intolerant of sociopaths. My sister knows that I have a line. She crosses it, I blow a gasket. She does not care for it when I do that. Talking to her is not worth my breath. She does not listen. She only learns when some sort of force is applied. I don't care to do that, but if forced, I will. She has learned to control herself otherwise she gets a run of bad luck like no one's business.

Sadly, she is cruising for another round of bad luck. She is going back to school for her teacher's degrees so she can get into the New York school system. That's just peachy. If she acts as she usually does, and she will, she'll get hammered again. She does not understand the concept of putting holes in her tongue to get through whatever it is...and shoots her mouth off. When she does that she pisses off those who oppose her and as a result they stomp on her. She's burned her ass teaching in private school. I don't see how it will be any better in the public forum. Oh well. It will be a humbling experience for her, anyway. Maybe she will learn however, I doubt it. A cheery voice tone does not hide the manipulative, vicious nature underneath. She does not get that.
  And I wonder why I have issues. My entire family has acted and accused me of lying so often I just assume everyone feels that way. Case in point (with pathetic argument from me). My sister and I went to Israel. On the plane she ripped a book out of my hand and refused to give it back to me until the end of the trip (and read it). So as far as I'm concerned she stole it from me. This really happened. I did not imagine it. Frankly it was not a big deal...until she made it one.

Her response: You're lying, I never did that and you are painting me in a bad light in front of my son. (Unsaid, you are badmouthing me again.) Said, "Maryanne said that you said that I was put on this earth to torture you." Moreover she has also said that I tell people these awful things about her to paint her in a bad light and they never see her in a good light. Hmm.

Is she right? Perhaps. But, damn it, she did those things and said those things and they were done deliberately to make me hurt! Why should I lie and paint her in a good light? She is mean. Can she be nice? Of course she can. However she decided to do those things and they were mean, nasty and abusive. I'm not even sure I said that but it is possible and upon reflection, it does fit. It is very hard to forgive her when she keeps on doing this crap and I won't lie for her. Hell, I won't lie for me, why should she be any different? (Yes, I'm a hard ass. It's part of our religion. Go read the ten commandments again and tell me I'm incorrect.)

Does she know what it's like to constantly be told she is too slow and she can't keep up? No. Why? Because she was the one always telling me that. (I doubt she remembers doing it but she did.) I know she honestly believed for years she was smarter than me and better than me. I'm not sure when it finally dawned on her that I am brighter than she is. Am I better than her? Probably not. Of course I have been raised to believe everything is all my fault. And yes I still believe that. She has absolutely no clue what it is like to constantly believe that everyone believes you are a liar. No clue. Zero. Zip. Nadda. Why do I always have evidence with me? So that I can prove that I am telling the truth. It's more of defend your life. It gets very old and oh so tiresome. Is it any wonder I really want nothing to do with her? Why do you think I accept my friends for who they are with no reservations? Because there are always conditions and reservations in my family.

I was not surprised when she called me a liar and frankly not even angry. That lack of surprise is just totally disturbing. I should get angry and I should blast her. And all I could do was insist it happened. It's totally pathetic. As I decided in that hospital bed years ago, I'm done. She's just not worth it and never will be. I doubt she realizes I've given up on my family but I have. I have had to choose between my sanity and the relationship (whatever the relationship was) and my sanity wins, hands down. How do you forgive someone for deliberately trying to kill you? She knew it was wrong. We were raised in the same damn house. She did it anyway. Why? From what I can tell it was to eliminate the competition. And I'm sure she will try to do it again. That's the thing with doing something like that.

Now let's address speaking tone. Yes I get this "bulldog" look on my face. But wouldn't you when you are getting beat up on emotionally. No one thinks about offing themselves without some sort of push. And I used to think about it a lot from the age of 10. I also realized that if I did that, those doing the pushing would win and I'm not going to give them that satisfaction. Why? They are just not worth it. I should talk to Oki about how he deals with his oldest brother because maybe he can give me tools to deal with that lifeform I call my sister. As to the tone, she gets this aggressive, obnoxious tone that automatically pisses me off. She always has. I know my brother-in-law has said similar things to her.

If I had recordings of the things she has said and done, she might get it. Who yells at someone over the phone (since they can't be bothered visiting the person in the hospital) about how it is unfair to expect your family to visit you? Who does that?
  My sister is visiting with my nephew. He's great (if loud). That being said, I never thought I would genuinely feel sorry for her. Why? Because she is resentful of how things "always seem to work out for me and how I don't work hard enough for things." Really? I have gone out of my way to learn and understand things. I don't actually count on people to help me out (no matter what her warped perception is...it is quite the opposite actually. I KNOW people are going to leave me high and dry. I KNOW that trusting someone is just asking for them to drop me down a flight of stairs, wind me up and tell me I can't do something so I'll do it or try to drop me on my head. These are lessons she has taught me quite painfully. I do not give trust easily because I know I am promised something and it will be ripped away and the promise will not be kept. These are the lessons that I have learned in my family at the hands of my mother and sister. I have worked for what I wanted because I know I won't be given them. And yet for some reason she carries this core of resentment within her that eats at her...and I feel sorry for her because of it. It is such a waste of time and energy on her part.
  Being around people is so hard for me. I know they will reject me and repudiate me. I know they will lie and cheat and deceive me. (In general, this does actually happen.) I don't resent them for it. That's the way they are. It's like being angry at water because it's wet. It just IS that way. Same goes for my family. They are that way. I don't like it but that's the way they are.
  I will never understand how she can think that I depend on people to carry me through. I don't. The work is mine to do. She has always had this warped perception that I get everyone else to do my work (which she verbalized this evening in front of my nephew). It's sad. I used to fall asleep in my textbooks from studying, yet I depended upon other people. Really? Shouting at her and telling her to open her eyes is a waste of time, air and effort. She's going to believe what she wants to and she'll stay that way till the end of her days. And she'll be unhappy doing it. To this day she still does not understand that it was this very attitude and nastiness that made getting her PhD impossible. You do not make demands of your advisor. You get him to tell you when he believes you are ready to graduate.
  Half of the crap she is mad at me about she either did not give me a chance to do (and assumed I would not do for myself) or she assumed I made a mess of other people's stuff which may or may not have happened. She is so willing to believe the worst of me. I never repeated the shit people told me about her. In fact I never told her I got to hear about it in the first place. I figured if they had a problem with her they could deal with her directly and not be a coward and try to make me deal with her for them. I hated it when she did that to me and given her tendency to manipulate me by telling me such and such said x about me to get me to do it, I never knew what was true and what wasn't. Given this crap happened years ago (like 20 years or more) and she's still upset about it, I feel bad for her. Compared to why I am angry, this is peanuts. She tried to off me on three separate occasions. Removing me from this world kind of trumps this crap and if she was sooooo mortified either grow a thicker skin or get over it. Sorry, but making it so I won't take another step or breath in this world IS a reason to be angry at someone. It is the most awful most personally vicious thing someone can do to another. I've been sexually assaulted. I've been abused in almost every way (neglected,ignored, sexually assaulted, emotionally abused, verbally abused, psychologically tortured by telling me I imagined something that really happened, ripped up emotionally so I would not have confidence or an ego) and I can say with great certainty that ALL of that pales in comparison to someone trying to end my life.
 So her resentment over the perception that I had things easy just annoys. And I think it is a terrible waste of time and effort on her part to dwell on it. Believe me, she was an abusive peace of work and frankly still is on occasion. Can't she see that this resentment hurts her even more than it hurts me? It is tearing her apart and she will never be truely happy with herself as long as she does it? I just do not understand how she can miss this one. Of course she's still able to feel fear. I'm not. Not really, not anymore. Having to live in the same house and confront that threat day after day does tend to make one not feel that fear...fear of dying is not what I fear. Fear of rejection or failure is what I fear and the only way to deal with it is to face it. Period.
  I'm annoyed that I have to address this with myself again because of her crap. SHE is the one with the problem, yet I have to go and remind myself that she is the one with the problem. It's sad. I don't even know how to tell her that she should really learn to let this go and there are more important things in life to boil over. She has never been seriously ill. She has never nearly died. She can't even begin to conceive of understanding that her family will leave her abandoned and out in the cold and rejected. I doubt she even knows what it's like to realize that her mother did not want her and on some level still doesn't. You can say many things about me but I am brutally honest with myself. I attempt not to make excuses for myself.
  It took a herculean effort to learn to let go of resentment, envy and jealousy. I did it because it was killing me. I am quite pissed about having to waste my time reminding myself that these emotions are bad for me. I don't want to be dragged back into that again. It took everything to get over how everyone perceives her as the "perfect" child. That she is the one that achieves everything and I don't do shit. I grew up knowing I was the black sheep of the family and that I could not hold a candle to her.
  Tonight I had to explain to her that I was NOT the one lauded for shooting by the newpapers and so forth. (She was the one that got most of the attention on that front.) Had that been the case, I would not have had the issues with the mean little shits in our neighborhood that I grew up with. (I was told off about using that language in front of my nephew but the description is ENTIRELY accurate.) To this day she still does not recognize that she did the same thing to me that they did. In addition she did the same thing to me that was done to her by them. Other people in this world call this hypocrisy and irony.
  She resents the fact that I got my doctorate. Well, I put up with hell in that research group and I put in long hours for my experiments. I took a very long time doing the interpretation of my data. I backed up that data and made multiple copies so it could not be demolished. I went out of my way to design my experiments so the chemistry worked. To accomplish that, I had to understand the chemistry behind it. That took work. I was not able to "twinkle" or "flash my dimples" to get it to work. I had to learn, understand and act upon that understanding on every level. I worked for that piece of paper and frankly I don't get the recognition of my expertise. I also don't make an issue of that though. Why? Because I know I did the work. Argh! I would put in 36 hour days for my data. I would troubleshoot a very pissy instrument so it would work. I learned a lot. I am sick of resentful twits that think this just comes to me. It doesn't. I have to work for it and understand it. I honestly do not think she understands that nor does she care to. That's her problem and her mistake.
  I dread the day she gets seriously ill. She won't know how to deal with it, nor will she understand that she has to take care of herself to get well. I had the extreme displeasure of getting seriously ill at the age of 20. And this was not the first time that had happened. My experience with mononucleosis was the first time. Her perception of that is warped. (She did not see me when I had that so how would she know? She claimed I had lost a lot of weight and was dangerously thin then. She would be incorrect on that.) When I was 20, I had the sinus infection that *would not go away* followed by a bleeding duodenal ulcer. I literally was sick 12 months straight at least. When I went home our mother told me I did not have an ulcer and I imagined it. (This was not an unusual claim from our mother with respect to me. Sadly I did not imagine any of the things that have happened to me. I am convinced it was her attempt to make me not believe I had gone through what I had and an attempt to make me doubt myself. As I have an nearly photographic memory, this is a very nasty thing to do to someone especially to a child at a very young age. She's mean.) I had gone to a doctor, had an upper GI done and seen the damn video with showed the leak in my duodenum so I know it was real. (Let's not forget the pain and agony every time I ate.) This is the reason I get upset and depressed every time I get sick. It takes me back to these things. But I do know to try to see the bright side and I know that I have to give myself time to recover. My sister does not. When this happens, she is going to go down like I ton of bricks and there won't be a thing I can do to get through her thick stubborn skull.
  I will say her knees are bad. She's blown both of them. She is using a cane and a brace. I'm not sure what can be done about it, but I would have asked to see if there was preventive maintenance she could have done. There is one thing she could have done but it's her choice and her decision. I'm not going to tell her what to do. She knows. It's her decision. I can't make it for her.
  I guess I just don't understand why someone wants to be jealous, envious or resentful. It took a long time for me to realize that being all of those things of someone else was terrible for me. I was of my sister. Everyone always focused on how great she way and what she accomplished. (I also got to hear things like why can't you do as well as your sister in X, Y or Z.) I would be told that she was so great at whatever it was. Part of this, of course, is that she talked herself up to people and it was backed up because she did do those things. But she absolutely made herself the center of attention and waved her accomplishments in their faces. Fine. I would do what I had to do, get it done and not brag about it. I did not see the point. Yet I'm the one that depended on everyone to get it done from her perspective.  
  Really? Is it any wonder I was so resentful? The irony here is my resentment was because of her always being the center of attention and always getting attention and love from our mother. My resentment went away when I realized my mother just would never love me and it was unfair to be envious, jealous and resentful of something that was not really my sister's fault. I also doubt she gets the fact that our mother IS manipulative and IS deceptive and IS not truthful with us and IS abusive and always will be. No one wants to believe that of someone that is supposed to love them unconditionally but shit happens. I accepted our mother was that way. (No, I don't like it nor do I approve but that reality. Deal with it.) Would I like her to be a better person? Sure I would but I know she never will be. Ever. I don't HAVE any positive expectations for my mother any longer and I never will. If she does something good, I am usually shocked. I expect the worst from both my mother and sister and I am rarely disappointed. It's sad but it's better that being constantly let down. I have just taken it as a matter of course that they are evil (and they are since all of the things I have described do fall under that label since abuse is evil) and we are what we do. I hope they will change but I know they won't.
  I wanted to see, at one point, if my mother actually gave a shit about me. This was an absolute no brainer. I had been in a near fatal car crash. My car was totalled. I ended up in the hospital. I had surgery within 12 hours of the accident in the same hospital. I could not walk.  I was told that most people that have an accident like this one DIE in that accident. I could not walk for 10 weeks. I had a plate, 6 pins and 2 screws put into my right hip. Now my parents had gone to see my sister as soon as she had my nephew and they were there for a couple of weeks. They had visited my sister while she was in graduate school twice. Now I had been in a severe car crash. Would you like to know the response from my mother and sister? "You are the healthiest of all of us. You'll be fine. You don't need to see us." Really? I nearly kicked the bucket, again, required at least on transfusion and it was not necessary to see me while I was in the hospital or in the rehab hospital. Not a single member of my family bothered to see me in either of those hospitals. My sister lectured me on how bad that car accident was yet when I expressed upset that neither of my parents visited me during that time I got a strip torn off me for being, you guessed it, SELFISH. Argh. Let's add in that my mother went to see my great uncle's wife in the hospital at the time while she left me to rot, alone in the hospital. She despised that woman. But seeing me was not necessary. Nor did she tell any of my relatives I was in the hospital from this accident. Why? They would have asked if she had seen me and she would have either had to lie or explain why seeing her very injured child in a hospital was not a priority. This was when I finally realized I did not even MAKE her list of priorities.
  I was told I was selfish because I actually believed that they should have seen me while I was in the hospital. It was this incident that gave me a clue. Now remember, they had bothered to see my sister. I was not worth the effort. It was not like I was in another country. I was a 3 hour car ride from my parents and a 4 hour car ride from my sister. But I was being selfish. The test was whether they would bother to see me. It took reminding them of this and that they had in fact visited her in grad school while they had never bothered to visit me, ever. I was always expected to visit them. I was told my expectations were too high and I was expecting too much of them.
  It was this incident that finally got me to the point where I asked myself why I was resentful, jealous and envious. It was obvious I would never get the same attention and love was absolutely out. So what was the point of wasting all that energy? Why did I need approval from these people? Why waste my time? As you can imagine, I stopped bothering to take the time to visit them. I was extremely angry at them and for very good reason. If I take vacation time, I don't waste it on them. I mean that. It's my time. They don't deserve it. I just don't give them that anymore.
  I came home to help get my father back on his feet so he could take care of my mother. He is getting better. I guarantee you, though, that it is his responsibility to take care of her. I thoroughly expect her to leave me out in the cold again. If she does something for me, it is always to benefit herself. ALWAYS.
  I believe to this day that they would have done me a great favor if they had just decided to have one child. My mother did not want a second child. The way she behaved towards me, treated me and the mean stories she told always showed and proved my belief.  She has always maintained I was a pain in the prosterior and that I was a total inconvenience to her. My sister has said similar things. I can say that what goes around, comes around. I will never believe either of them love or care for me. I still ask myself what I did to deserve that response. I always believe it is my fault no matter what happens.  Is it any wonder I have such problems letting anyone get close to me? When this is the norm, would you be able to trust anyone not to hurt you?
  I do know that resenting my sister is like hating water because it is wet. Why bother? But I will say that it took realizing that wasting my time, effort and emotions on someone that can't be bothered for me is simply not worth it. The best I can do is feel sorry for her because she has no clue how much she is hurting herself. I doubt she ever will. Trying to explain that to her is also wasting my breath. And besides, I doubt she would believe me anyway.
  I just hope that one day I'll stop feeling the pain of loss for the things I really wanted from them: love, approval and acceptance. I know I won't get any of those things and you can't buy those things. It's one of the reasons that I'm not as materially inclined as my sister or mother. I also hope I'll stop making excuses about why no one would want to be involved with me since I know deep down that's what they are....excuses. It's just a way to keep from being rejected and abandoned again. How do you get over that when it constantly happens to you?

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Abigale Marcus

May 2017

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