[personal profile] radarears
  And I wonder why I have issues. My entire family has acted and accused me of lying so often I just assume everyone feels that way. Case in point (with pathetic argument from me). My sister and I went to Israel. On the plane she ripped a book out of my hand and refused to give it back to me until the end of the trip (and read it). So as far as I'm concerned she stole it from me. This really happened. I did not imagine it. Frankly it was not a big deal...until she made it one.

Her response: You're lying, I never did that and you are painting me in a bad light in front of my son. (Unsaid, you are badmouthing me again.) Said, "Maryanne said that you said that I was put on this earth to torture you." Moreover she has also said that I tell people these awful things about her to paint her in a bad light and they never see her in a good light. Hmm.

Is she right? Perhaps. But, damn it, she did those things and said those things and they were done deliberately to make me hurt! Why should I lie and paint her in a good light? She is mean. Can she be nice? Of course she can. However she decided to do those things and they were mean, nasty and abusive. I'm not even sure I said that but it is possible and upon reflection, it does fit. It is very hard to forgive her when she keeps on doing this crap and I won't lie for her. Hell, I won't lie for me, why should she be any different? (Yes, I'm a hard ass. It's part of our religion. Go read the ten commandments again and tell me I'm incorrect.)

Does she know what it's like to constantly be told she is too slow and she can't keep up? No. Why? Because she was the one always telling me that. (I doubt she remembers doing it but she did.) I know she honestly believed for years she was smarter than me and better than me. I'm not sure when it finally dawned on her that I am brighter than she is. Am I better than her? Probably not. Of course I have been raised to believe everything is all my fault. And yes I still believe that. She has absolutely no clue what it is like to constantly believe that everyone believes you are a liar. No clue. Zero. Zip. Nadda. Why do I always have evidence with me? So that I can prove that I am telling the truth. It's more of defend your life. It gets very old and oh so tiresome. Is it any wonder I really want nothing to do with her? Why do you think I accept my friends for who they are with no reservations? Because there are always conditions and reservations in my family.

I was not surprised when she called me a liar and frankly not even angry. That lack of surprise is just totally disturbing. I should get angry and I should blast her. And all I could do was insist it happened. It's totally pathetic. As I decided in that hospital bed years ago, I'm done. She's just not worth it and never will be. I doubt she realizes I've given up on my family but I have. I have had to choose between my sanity and the relationship (whatever the relationship was) and my sanity wins, hands down. How do you forgive someone for deliberately trying to kill you? She knew it was wrong. We were raised in the same damn house. She did it anyway. Why? From what I can tell it was to eliminate the competition. And I'm sure she will try to do it again. That's the thing with doing something like that.

Now let's address speaking tone. Yes I get this "bulldog" look on my face. But wouldn't you when you are getting beat up on emotionally. No one thinks about offing themselves without some sort of push. And I used to think about it a lot from the age of 10. I also realized that if I did that, those doing the pushing would win and I'm not going to give them that satisfaction. Why? They are just not worth it. I should talk to Oki about how he deals with his oldest brother because maybe he can give me tools to deal with that lifeform I call my sister. As to the tone, she gets this aggressive, obnoxious tone that automatically pisses me off. She always has. I know my brother-in-law has said similar things to her.

If I had recordings of the things she has said and done, she might get it. Who yells at someone over the phone (since they can't be bothered visiting the person in the hospital) about how it is unfair to expect your family to visit you? Who does that?
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Abigale Marcus

May 2017

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